i failed to be happeeeee.......

one of the Tuesdays of June, i was trying to fight against my tears..but i failed. i dont know why, while i was carrying a box of books, i suddenly felt so depress, it's like i was lost and trying to find a way out but i cant, i dont know why. i was struggling to get rid of that feeling, the weather made me felt like as if i was in the oven, burning. i forced myself to find a seat in canteen and calm myself down. i tried, i did...and i tried harder but i failed. i want to go home, that's the only thing i wanted to do but i cant cause i need to pass the books to my friend.while i was sitting there alone, i felt like crying and cutting myself so i went to the toilet. i took out my blade and i started to cut, to slash!-- the paper behind the door...i didnt cut myself cause i dont want to have scars and i dont want my family to know about it nor anyone because i refused to be a loser, i always tell myself not to cry, not to cry, no, you cant cry!! eventually, i didnt cut myself but i bite my hands, just add a lil bit more strength, my flesh will come off but as i said, i dont want to have any scars so i repeated bitting and bitting until my tears have disappeared. i was so relieve and happy cause i have finally found a way to release... hmmmm stress? not sure, cause i know, i am not. then, i thought everything's over. actually it's not...not yet...a week later, while i was having dinner with my family, i felt it again, i felt like crying, i felt like bitting myself again but i tried not to think about it and continue with my crab and everything burst out after i finished my assignment. i felt like crying again so i went downstairs and cried, after i am 'done', i went back to my room and tell myself:'i am not crazy, i am not ill, i am not. not not not.' and at the meantime, amanda heard it, she started to ask me what's wrong and then, i cried out loud, i blast out everything.. then i started to hit the wall and i cant stop, cant control myself, then after amanda and jefu consoled me, i stopped gradually and fell into a deep sleep. after i woke up, although i got a panda eyes, the burden that followed me all this while has disappeared and gone...what i want to say is, thanks to my dearest family and i promise i will be happee:)